For my fine aquatic Otter friend

[eatsyourscience]

It's been two days.

Two days alone in this house, without Nanako's cheerful "welcome home!". Without the nightly quiz shows on the television downstairs, without dirty dishes in the sink, without the simple knowledge that he isn't the only one there. It's unbearable. Even Dojima's absence, as common an occurrence as it is, seems more obvious than normal.

Souji hates being alone. He'd forgotten what it was like, or has been letting himself think he has. The first night, after coming home from the hospital, he convinces himself to remain calm and settles for pacing first the living room and then his bedroom restlessly. He's gotten used to staying up late, sometimes only sleeping four or five hours a night, so it doesn't faze him when he barely gets about two hours total--stolen ten minutes at a time when he sits down on the couch in his room and considers calling someone, but doesn't.

That first day is a blur, and so is the second night, but in a different way. He knows what he spend the night doing. He knows because his room is a disaster. Everything that he could break, everything he could rip or throw or flip or otherwise destroy has been. He barely remembers doing any of it and he can't bring himself to care when he wakes up on the floor in the middle of the mess on the second day. He doesn't say anything to his friends because if he does they'll worry about him, and he doesn't want that. There are more important things to be focused on right now than his self-indulgent tantrums. Besides, if they knew he was faltering this much, and now when he most needs to be the leader--

And now it's the end of the second day and the start of the third night, and there's nothing left to do except notice how empty the house is around him.

Comments

[masukukunai.livejournal.com]

It was times like these that made his double-life of ordinary student and supernatural crime investigator really started to wear on Yousuke. Despite all that was going on, Dojima's hospitalization, Nanako's kidnapping; he had to keep up the ruse of his daily life. Tonight he had a late shift at Junes, and his mind was nowhere near his work as he automatically swept trash and cleaned tables in the food court.

They had to be calm. They had to do this like they always did. Gather information to take to Rise, find the corner of the tv world where they were hiding, and fight their way through carefully to avoid getting into trouble. But he had to be honest with himself-- everyone had to be honest with themselves-- if it could be done, they'd work themselves down to bone to get Nanako out of there in the matter in a days time. But they couldn't. And so, they waited.

She was so sweet and unselfish, that kid, the least deserving of this kind of trauma. They all loved her. But Souji loved her the most. She was family to him. Yousuke couldn't even try to empathize, there was no way he could understand how awful it would be to have someone that dear to you in such danger... He shook his head in frustration.

While halfway through his shift, Yousuke belatedly realized that with Nanako gone and Dojima in the hospital, Souji was alone back at his uncle's house. The thought sent a chill up his spine. Going home every day to an empty place would be a horrible reminder; he'd never be able to forget. Someone like Souji would never let the weight off his shoulders, even for a second. Something inside him squeezed in response. There was really no way he could fully understand.

Yousuke looks at the clock. He has another half hour before he was off his shift. That'd be 7:30. He could still swing by the Dojima residence to visit. Get some food, a magazine or something, keep him company. Yeah. He was second in command, and someone had to take care of their leader, right? Thinking about it made him feel like he had grown some. This was the right thing to do.

He sends a message to his parents that he'll be late in coming home, and heads off. Before he knows it, he's ringing the doorbell, plastic bag in hand.

[eatsyourscience.livejournal.com]

On the floor in his room, Souji hears the doorbell but ignores it. It's probably just the neighbors or Adachi or one of the many other people he can't bring himself to face right now. He doesn't want to answer questions or pretend it doesn't piss him off to hear people try to offer platitudes in a situation like this.

He's barely slept in the last two days and he's probably eaten less. He hasn't even changed out of his uniform. It's wrinkled now, but there doesn't seem to be any point in changing when he knows he'll have to put it on again tomorrow. There's no way he can talk to anyone in this state. So he sighs and turns over on the floor and decides to let whoever it is think he's out or asleep already.

[masukukunai.livejournal.com]

Weird. More than weird, concerning. Souji was never the type to leave a door unanswered. When he looks through the window, he can see the lights in the kitchen area on. Someone had to be home... Yousuke knows that there's a key underneath a certain rock in the backyard garden, and it's there. He went back around and let himself in

"Hello? Souji?" he calls, locking the door behind him and stepping out of his shoes. The home is so eerily quiet, each step seems to echo, and he can hear himself breathing. He stalks around the living room, but his leader isn't to be found. He calls again, and doesn't get an answer.

Now he's getting worried. The thought of being invasive doesn't deter him. Yousuke climbs the stairs and comes to Souji's room. It's dark... Was he sleeping? But even a sleeping person would've heard him ring the doorbell so many times. So he paws around for the light switch where he remembered it to be.

"Souji?" he asks again, as he feels the switch and flicks it on.

What he sees makes him drop his bag in shock.

[eatsyourscience.livejournal.com]

Souji thinks he probably should have expected Yousuke. He sits up slowly, letting his blanket droop around his waist and puts a hand to his neck as he tilts his head to the side, trying to relieve some soreness from sleeping on the floor.

It's a measured act, too casual to be genuine, even for him. He doesn't look at Yousuke as he climbs to his feet, pretending he needs to keep his eyes on what he's doing.

"Sorry. I thought it was the neighbors." Next time he'll just answer the door. That way he'll avoid having to explain things he never wanted people to see to begin with. "....Sorry."

[masukukunai.livejournal.com]

"It's... okay."

For a moment, he can't move. Between him and the room is a threshold, a feeling he can't explain. Despair? Madness? Souji won't look him in the eyes, and he's not sure if he wants to see them either. Their leader was always cool and calm, and they depended on him to be that way. And they all knew what the was capable of. So would this be... danger?

He swallows, and takes a step in. Over the cage-shelf where he kept few things-- there really wasn't much here that was his, was there? It wasn't his home. Not with his "family" elsewhere.

"It's okay. I was just coming to check up-- Sorry. I should have called first."

Yousuke finds that he can hardly move his eyes from his own feet either... Damn it. Of all the places to be a coward.

[eatsyourscience.livejournal.com]

If it had been two nights ago or even last night, he would have been glad for the company. Now Souji just feels exposed.

He takes a breath and looks up at Yousuke picking his way through the mess. He tries to keep his expression normal--neutral--even as he's desperately pulling his thoughts into order. His hands tugging at the hem of his shirt must give away his anxiety, though, and he forces himself to be stop.

"That would have been good." But now he feels like a manikin. Too stiff and still to be natural.

He knows what the others expect from him. What they need from him. This isn't even close to it.

[masukukunai.livejournal.com]

"Sorry," he repeats himself. He comes closer to Souji, and then... stops. What was one even supposed to do in a situation like this? He looks around himself and notices all sorts of things. The small television he kept on his dresser was turned on it's face on the floor, the calendar that hasn't been marked since that day-- a boxcutter jammed into a book so hard it stood upright. It almost made him sweat.

"Did you...?" Yousuke looks about himself, suggesting what he meant to say silently.

[eatsyourscience.livejournal.com]

Souji looks around, too, taking in just how bad it was. How bad it must look to someone else. He nods without speaking.

[masukukunai.livejournal.com]

Wow. Of course it had to be him, unless a ransacking somehow happened without either of them noticing, but still. The quiet is still pervasive. Someone's dog is barking. Yousuke takes a deep breath.

"Come on," he finally says, with a jerk of his head towards the door, "we can fix this later. I brought food."

That, at least, can be done. He didn't need to know his private troubles to heat up some dinner. Getting out of this wreck would help enough.

[eatsyourscience.livejournal.com]

After a few seconds too long, Souji nods and steps over--through?--his shelves to get to the door. He leaves the light in his room on, because at least the low buzz from the light is some noise to keep him company.

It's not until he's in the hallway that he says anything. "You didn't have to."

[masukukunai.livejournal.com]

"Yeah I did," he says as they go down the stairs, looking back at Souji briefly , "you're alone here, right? Someone's gotta make sure you eat."

To be specific, it was Nanako that usually did that. But he knew mentioning her name would only make things worse.

[eatsyourscience.livejournal.com]

At the bottom of the stairs, Souji glances around. Everything is still where it should be, even the clutter on the kitchen table. It had to be the way it always was when Nanako and Dojima got back.

That dog is still barking. It barks most nights, but lately it seems like it's gotten louder.

"What did you bring?" He tries not to make it sound like a demand. He's not trying to push Yousuke out of the house. His presence is a relief, even if it's awkward after what he saw.

[eatsyourscience.livejournal.com]

He makes it through three days. School, afternoons, nights, all of it goes by in a blur of sympathy and condolences that are kept at a comfortable distance.

It's not until that third day, coming home from school, that he sees the laundry on hanging outside and realizes it's been there almost a week, through rain and sun and fog. When he enters the house, he suddenly can't remember the exact pitch of Nanako's voice when she calls him "big bro". He couldn't remember it last week either, but last week he was secure in the belief that he and his friends would save her no matter what, so he didn't need to remember. He would hear it again soon.

He's wrestling his futon into place when he remembers he doesn't actually like being alone. The distance isn't comfortable anymore and he doesn't like the silence. It keeps him up at night.

Wrestling with the futon proves pointless and he flings it away from himself in a rare show of frustration. It catches on the edge of the desk, knocking half of the somewhat-organized clutter on its surface to the floor. He hears the clatter of pencils hitting the floor and without thinking, he turns and with a sweep of his arm sends everything that survived the futon down after them.

And then it's an hour later and he's standing in the aftermath of a typhoon with his name and he can't even bring himself to care that it's his own belongings he's trashed. Tugging his blanket away from where it's tangled with the futon, he wraps it around himself and curls up on the floor without bothering to take his uniform off.

[masukukunai.livejournal.com]

Everything was over. But it definitely didn't feel like it.

Out of habit, he looks at the television when the time hits 00:00. Of course, there's nothing there. Just the usual static. And yet a part of him wishes something was there. An enemy to fight, a lose end to tie up, anything. They were all still struggling in their minds, against an invisible foe. Fear, and doubt, and a desire for justice when judgment may not some. It was enough to drive someone crazy.

Yousuke throws down his pencil in frustration, and lets his head fall into his book. He turns his gaze over to his cell phone, sitting untouched on his desk, unmoving. Today he'd texted Souji several times, as he did the day before, and the day before that, as he expected his other teammates to have as well. None of them were able to elicit a response beyond monosyllabic assents.

And it worried him. Really, deeply worried him. Another little foe that gnawed away at him. He slipped his hand over to take his phone and flip it open, hoping for something to be there that wasn't. He felt craven for not being able to do anything more. His leader, his partner, his best friend, was in the most pain of them all, the length of ability to help Nanako completely used up and just as little left to fight against as the rest of them.

His fist clenches. There's no-one there, he realizes, and he wonders what it would feel like to come home to silence. That's when he decides to go.

It's ridiculous. Sneaking out to his bike back to the Dojima household in the middle of the God-damn night. He peddles one-handed, using his other to call Souji repeatedly. He knew the other wasn't going to pick up, but he needed to make a racket to let him know something was coming.

"I'm an idiot," Yousuke says to himself, and repeats it, each time for a different reason. "I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot."

[eatsyourscience.livejournal.com]

Souji's phone is somewhere under his desk. He has no idea where the battery is and he hadn't bothered to look when he lost it. He'd have plenty of time between not sleeping and school to find it and see if he'd missed any calls or messages.

He shifts restlessly on the floor. In hindsight, it probably wouldn't have been better to sleep on the couch, but he doesn't care enough to move. He's not sure he wants to sleep anyway.

1/2 I'll finish tomorrow!

[masukukunai.livejournal.com]

He doesn't pick up, as expected. When Yousuke comes to his front door, he calls him three more times for good measure. If Souji didn't know someone was coming by now, that was his own fault. Like a proper burgler, he breaks in by using a using a key hidden in the backyard garden.

The house was silent. Dead. An unfortunate turn of phrase, but he couldn't think of anything more appropriate.

He swallows. He has no idea what he's up against here. What will Souji be like? During the day, he was a catatonic wearing a mask of normalcy, to put on a face for everyone to rely on and hope with. Now, however, he didn't have to be anything for anyone. Had he ever really seen that side of Souji? Maybe in glimpses, but...

[masukukunai.livejournal.com]

When he tries to shout, he feels his voice dry up in his throat. His resolve shrivels up a bit with it. What was he doing? Idiot, he thinks again, and shakes his numbing hand, then running it through his hair. He takes a deep breath, as if to shout, but just... exhales. He tries again, but with the same result. It's only the third time that he's able to spit it out.

"Souji!"

[eatsyourscience.livejournal.com]

Souji's still not asleep and the shout makes him jerk and sit up in surprise. Yousuke's in his house. Why--

...Yousuke's in his house!

He stumbles to his feet and fumbles in the dark toward the door. Normally he can navigate his room without any trouble, but this time he trips on the fallen shelves, and crashes to the floor, hitting his face on the crossbar.

There's no way that went unnoticed from downstairs, but he doesn't get up immediately. His face is throbbing and when he puts his hand to it, blood drips across it, surprisingly warm. He needs to get to his door before Yousuke does, but he stays where he is, trying to collect himself enough get there.

[masukukunai.livejournal.com]

Yousuke jumps in surprise himself when he hears the crashing.

"Souji! Just-- hang on!"

He drops his bag of food on the floor and runs to where he remembers his room being. He feels about in the dark, and his socks slip a bit on the wooden stairs and he stumbles, but he has a railing to steady himself with. So we don't end up with a double nosebleed situation. When he gets to the top, he finds Souji's doorway with his hands and slides them around the threshold until his hand runs over the light switch, and he flips it on.

His eyes survey the room in a split second, and his mind can't process what he sees. He doesn't have the capacity. In a minute he'd have the time to figure it out.

Instead, he focuses on Souji, and forgets about everything else.

"Dude," he breathes, and gets down to his knees. He sees the blood, and there's more than worry in his voice "are you okay? I mean, your face..."

Yousuke knows that there's more wrong than just his nosebleed, but we're starting with the basics.

[eatsyourscience.livejournal.com]

"It's okay." Souji's voice comes out wet and thick with the blood in his throat, and he swallows to try to clear it. "I-- Hang on..."

He shifts, fumbling for a shirt that had spilled out of the closet earlier. He uses that to sop up the blood in an attempt to keep it off of his uniform shirt.

[masukukunai.livejournal.com]

"Oh, ew," his reply is a reflex, "don't do that. Here, wait a sec."

With his room light on, he can navigate to the bathroom easily. Yousuke grabs the entire box of tissues. He gives it to Souji after taking one to clean up a spot of blood on the floor.

[eatsyourscience.livejournal.com]

Accepting the tissues, he pinches the bridge of his nose between his finger and thumb.

"Thanks..." He isn't really sure what else to say, other than to start spouting excuses right away, so he says nothing and uses the nosebleed as a distraction.

[masukukunai.livejournal.com]

It gives Yousuke some time to look around the room and gather his thoughts. He takes in the mess-- not just a mess of neglect, but a purposeful wrecking. It frightens him. It's the first time seeing him act like that. At least, seeing that he was capable of acting that way.

He can guess why. Nanako...

Yousuke sits down completely, crossing his legs and getting comfortable while Souji collects himself.

[eatsyourscience.livejournal.com]

The silence that follows bothers Souji. Yousuke's almost never quiet. He waits until the bleeding starts to let up, though, before he says anything.

"Did you call me? My phone--" He glances around. It's pretty easy to guess what happened to the phone. "...I wasn't expecting you." That was pretty obvious, too.

[masukukunai.livejournal.com]

"I called you a ton of times," he scratches the back of his neck, sheepish, but holding his ground, "sorry that it didn't get to you. I know this is kind of... in the middle of the night. But I felt like I had to."

"And I'm glad I did." Yousuke looks around the room, suggesting the reason why.