eatsyourscience | For my fine aquatic Otter friend

For my fine aquatic Otter friend

It's been two days.

Two days alone in this house, without Nanako's cheerful "welcome home!". Without the nightly quiz shows on the television downstairs, without dirty dishes in the sink, without the simple knowledge that he isn't the only one there. It's unbearable. Even Dojima's absence, as common an occurrence as it is, seems more obvious than normal.

Souji hates being alone. He'd forgotten what it was like, or has been letting himself think he has. The first night, after coming home from the hospital, he convinces himself to remain calm and settles for pacing first the living room and then his bedroom restlessly. He's gotten used to staying up late, sometimes only sleeping four or five hours a night, so it doesn't faze him when he barely gets about two hours total--stolen ten minutes at a time when he sits down on the couch in his room and considers calling someone, but doesn't.

That first day is a blur, and so is the second night, but in a different way. He knows what he spend the night doing. He knows because his room is a disaster. Everything that he could break, everything he could rip or throw or flip or otherwise destroy has been. He barely remembers doing any of it and he can't bring himself to care when he wakes up on the floor in the middle of the mess on the second day. He doesn't say anything to his friends because if he does they'll worry about him, and he doesn't want that. There are more important things to be focused on right now than his self-indulgent tantrums. Besides, if they knew he was faltering this much, and now when he most needs to be the leader--

And now it's the end of the second day and the start of the third night, and there's nothing left to do except notice how empty the house is around him.

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"Don't worry about the bear," Yousuke rolls his eyes and blows at a bit of hair edging out from his bangs, "I took care of him. He knows the drill."

...Well, when he's not making mischief. But right now he was just as serious as the rest of them, he'd do his best to not be a bother.

A smile ghosts over Souji's mouth. He nods. "Alright."

And now that the kitchen is clean, he's not really sure what to do. He's used to other people doing the talking, but he's pretty sure it's his turn somehow.

Yeah Souji, it's your turn. Yousuke clears his throat awkwardly, and looks around the room as if searching for something to talk about.

"Um...." He shifts uncomfortably, leaning back against the kitchen counter. Looking past Yousuke into the living room, he decides to avoid the obvious topic of conversation. "My uncle's doing alright. Better, anyway."

"Yeah?" Well, it was getting closer to the elephant in the room, "That's good. Dojima-san..." he swallows, and looks at his hands, "He really loves Nanako-chan, to risk his life like that."

If Dojima hadn't panicked and gone after Namatame like that, would they have had the chance to save Nanako before this happened? Or if Dojima hadn't seen the second letter Souji had gotten? If he could have convinced Dojima of his story? If they hadn't left Nanako alone in the first place.

If if if.

This is getting him no where. The stupid dog is barking again. Souji notices it because of the blaring silence, just after he notices that he's waited way too long for this silence to constitute a natural pause in the conversation.

"...We keep asking them to do something about that."

"--Don't think like it's anyone's fault," Yousuke blurts out suddenly, cutting off Souji's try at distraction. His face is a little red, like this is hard for him to say, or that he's not sure of what he's saying at all, "'cause it's not."

A pause. He struggles for his next words.

"It's nobody's fault. So don't blame him, or... Yourself. If anything, blame that Namatame bastard."

Souji stares at Yousuke and has to swallow hard before he can respond.

"...I know."

"And don't... Don't feel like-- agh, I don't know," he mumbles, places his head down on his arms, and sighs heavily.

He wasn't like Souji. He wasn't eloquent, or blessed with social graces, or even physically coordinated. His thoughts never came out of his mouth the way he wanted them to. He couldn't raise his voice and make everyone stop to listen. All that he had now was that he was there. And that he knew.

"...If I-- we had been one day quicker..." he lifts his head, and looks up towards the ceiling, "If we first fell into the tv just one day before, it would have been different, maybe she'd still be alive. And I used to think about that all the time. I couldn't let go of it, and I didn't tell anybody. And it hurt."

"But I realized that there was nothing I could have done. You can't have hindsight before something happens. It's just impossible."

"A-and I don't want you to pity me!" he adds, as if it just then came to him, looking Souji in the eyes, "Because I don't pity you. And besides that, we still have a chance-- No, it's not even a chance. We will."

"So... Man, I'm not even saying this right... Don't do what I did, and try to push it all down, and bear it alone" he flushes, remembering that time on the riverbank, "or you'll end up a wreck like I did."

He takes a deep breath, as if all this confession was making him dizzy, and lets his head drop back to the table. His forehead hits the wood with an audible thunk.

"I'm done talking now." he sighs, voice cracking unbidden, "Forever."

Yousuke's right. And he knows what he's talking about. Of course he does. Souji almost wants to smile.

Crossing back over to the table, he leans across and puts a hand on Yousuke's head. It's a little awkward--Yousuke will probably protest--but it would be more awkward to walk around the table and try to hug him, which is what Souji wants to do.

"Thank you." He isn't expecting his voice to be so hoarse, but it's too late to do anything about it now. "Really."

Souji's hand is cool on his head. Yousuke melts into the table with a deep sigh, arms stretched out in front of him. He feels like there should be steam rising off his body by now, because he was definitely on overheat. He can't even summon the ire to be perturbed by Souji's mothering tendencies.

Souji withdraws his hand a minute later and slumps back into the chair on his side of the table.

"I hate it here right now," he mutters at his hands draped over his knees.

Now it comes out. It makes him glad that he gave his little confession, if this is the result.

"I can imagine," he says, even though he really can't. He moves so his chin is on the table, and he can see Souji, "It's not really your home, is it."

He looks at Yousuke. "When they're here, it's like home."

"Yeah... And that'd mean when it's empty, it's not."

"I used to think that it was easier being by myself."

Yousuke lifts his head completely for that one.

"Huh?"

Souji shrugs. "I didn't have to worry about other people. And on my own I wasn't troubling anyone."

Yousuke blinks.

"Not troubling anyone? Dude, didn't you have any friends?"

He always assumed Souji had a gaggle of hanger-ons no matter where he was. He was just that kind of guy.

"Not really."

"Huh."

Well, he was a pretty quiet guy. Yousuke imagined he could keep to himself if he really wanted. He was exactly the opposite though; he craved attention.

"This is better though, right? I mean, even though it can be troublesome."

"I like it better."

Good.

"We're all here for you bro."

"I know."

He leans back in his chair.

"It's...a relief."

Yousuke nods.

"You are the leader, but you don't have to... take it all on yourself, you know?"

For my fine aquatic Otter friend

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